Christmas Evans
by Tuck2103
Summary: Christmas Evans and Ron Swanson share a room by accident on Christmas Eve. Will love find a way?


It was a cold dark night but the streets were lit. Children with full tummies came out on the street to play. The cold didn't bother them anyway. Everything was good. A man, dressed in mountain climbing gear with biceps thick as his ass appeared. He was exhausted, but you couldn't tell from his appearance. He looked firm and cocksure and he craved a steak and warm comfort. It was...

Christmas Evans

Christmas Evans entered the towns inn. The entire town had come to spend christmas eve in the jolly company of their merry men. Even the hobos were allowed in and they smelled and danced and spilled beer everywhere. Christmas Evans headed to the bar quietly. As much as he wanted to make a grand entrance, for he is CAPTAIN AMERICA, he'd rather avoid a potential embarrassing moment of silence. This was Germany after all. Most of these people had probably never heard of an America.

"Geburtstag, gutte fraulein" Christmas Evans said in his best Austrian. "I'd like to hire a room please. In the name of Freedom.

"But sir, you've already hired a room from us!" The barrista said. "Have you forgotten? Your room number is 69."

Christmas Evans stared at the barrista confused as fuck. His mind was racing. I hired a room already? But I've never been in this town before... Or have I? Am I still suffering from amnesia from being in the ice for years? Probably. Or maybe Fury has located me and wants to put me back in the avengers. I better be careful heading in there...

Christmas Evans treaded carefully as he climbed the stairs to his room. An ambush of Hydra soldiers was the last thing he needed. At last he reached his room. He tried for the door handle. Shut, of course. BUT THEN A LOUD ANGRY ROAR CAME FROM THE OTHER SIDE, FOLLOWED BY A HYSTERICAL SCREECH. CHRISTMAS EVANS DIDN'T THINK TWICE AND KICKED THE DOOR OPEN ONLY TO FIND HIMSELF GAZING AT A HORRIFYING SCENARIO. A NAKED WITCH HOLDING A DOZEN BOOKS STARED AT HIM FURIOUSLY, WHILE BEHIND HER A STRONG NAKED MAN WITH A STALINIST MOUSTACHE WAS CHAINED TO THE WALL. THE WITCH STARTED THROWING BOOKS AT CHRISTMAS EVANS BUT CHRISTMAS EVANS TOOK HIS SHIELD AND DEFLECTED THE PAPERWORK. WITH A BATTLECRY HE THREW THE SHIELD AT THE WITCHES NECK, CUTTING IT CLEAN OFF. STILL SCREAMING THE HEAD CRACKED THROUGH THE WINDOW AND LANDED IN THE SNOW.

Not even breaking a sweat, Christmas Evans went over to the naked man and took a closer look. The man was old, 50 years at least but strong and bulky nonetheless. He could be from around here, a woodworker perhaps. He was staring at Christmas Evans angrily. "What? Don't give me that look you very old man, I just saved your life!" Christmas Evans retorted.

"Son, this is just the way I stare at people. It intimidates them into shutting up" The man replied calmly, without blinking. "And thank you. That witch you just slew was a lusty librarian that also happened to be my ex wife." With an effortless twitch of his muscle the strong man tore himself lose from the wall, leaving two big holes in it. "My name is Ron Swanson, and I owe you a pat on the shoulder, mister...?"

"Evans, Christmas Evans," Christmas Evans answered, trying not to look at the huge dick. "And it's no big deal I do this all the time, sometimes even for free. But whatever you two were doing just now, I hired this room apparently so I'd like you to get out ok?"

"Listen Evers," Ron Swanson said calmly, altho his dick was pointing angrily at Christmas Evans. "I hired this room months ago and I don't intend to go downstairs and party with germans. These 3,5 walls are my sanctuary of Freedom in this kraut infested place."

Evans and Ron stared at each other. They both realised they had reached an impasse. Breathing intensified. Slowly, their stares turned into squints.

"Dibs on the bed."

BOTH MEN BURSTED INTO A SPRINT IN ORDER TO CLAIM DIBS ON THE BED. WITH GIGANTIC SUPERHUMAN LEAPS THEY TOOK OFF INTO THE SKY , KNOWING THAT WHOEVER WOULD TOUCH THE BED LAST WOULD HAVE TO LEAVE THE ROOM AND PARTY WITH GERMANS, FOR DIBS ARE HOLY AND CAN NOT BE DESECRATED. THE BED ALMOST DIED AS BOTH BODIES LANDED ON ITS SOFT STAIN-PROOF SILK. BUT DIBS COULD NOT BE CALLED.

Two strong bodies struggled for space. "BACK OFF EVAN THIS BED IS MEANT FOR TWO PEOPLE", Swanson thundered calmly.

"THEN WHAT'S THE PROBLEM. STOP STRUGGLING!" Christmas Evans screamed, hypocritically struggling for more space himself.

"MY DICK COUNTS AS TWO", Ron calmly shouted. Christmas Evans turned pale, for he realised Ron had a valid point there. How was he ever supposed to contest the bed while Ron already had his sword drawn? Christmas Evans realised he had no choice. There was only one option left.

"I had hoped it wouldn't come to this, Ron. EN GARDE!"

With one swift move, Christmas Evans took off his pants and erected his penis. "I'll show you why they call me the captain!"

Their dicks clashed violently, and the knockback almost made them both fall out of the bed. Evans dick was fast and nimble, and dealt quick blows. But it was no match for Rons Monstercock, which, even tho it was slow, was very hard to evade. It was huge, and covered a lot of ground. Christmas Evans dodged and dodged, but got struck by a powerful blow and landed on his back.

Ron roared triumphantly and calmly. "THIS IS THE END FOR YOU, ERIC!" He raised his cock up high. "BRACE YOURSELF FOR MY ULTIMATE SWANSCHLONG!"

The Swanschlong came crashing down. Christmas Evans curled up in menacing fear. Ron won.

Or so he thought.

The Swanschlong smashed into Evans back but bounched right back off! "Impossible-" was all Ron was able to mumble before his own dick hit him hard in the face, launching him off the bed. Quadriple backflipping, he smashed face first into the wall, leaving a third hole. Ron Swanson fell on the floor like a pile of mush. There was no doubt about it, he was RKO'd.

"Well, you know what they say", Christmas Evans said with a smirk, throwing the sheets off revealing his Shield while staring in the camera, "Always use protection."

"But we're not done yet oldtimer, I have Christmas plans for you. Will you be my christmas present tomorrow?" Evans asked the pile of mush. The pile of mush growled something, but it didn't matter. Christmas Evans lit up a cigarette and laid down on the bed. It was gonna be one fine-ass night.


End file.
